Kayden Roberts was living in Brooklyn, New York, where both she and her partner were feeling pinched by the city’s high cost of living. That was a significant factor when they chose to move in together “to alleviate the financial pressures of city living.”
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By sharing the cost of rent, utilities and other expenses, they could each save an estimated $1,200 a month.
“It seemed like a practical solution: split rent, share expenses, and, ostensibly, grow closer,” Roberts said. “However, this decision soon revealed the cracks in our foundation we hadn’t noticed before.”
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What They Learned When Living Together
Living together exposed habits they hadn’t known about each other, including their spending and financial priorities. That led to constant friction, and Roberts said the very reason they moved in together — finances — created so much strain it overshadowed the love and respect they had for each other.
“Our home, which was supposed to be our sanctuary, became a battleground for unresolved financial disputes and unmet expectations,” Roberts said. “The regret came in realizing too late that our relationship wasn’t ready for such a step. We had moved in together not out of a readiness to deepen our commitment, but out of a desire to ease our individual financial burdens.”
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A Look at Moving In Together
For a single person trying to reduce living expenses, the temptation to move in with a romantic partner to save money can be strong. In addition to larger expenses like rent and utilities, living under one roof also means insurance, internet, streaming subscriptions, furniture and food can all be shouldered by two instead of one.
Roberts’ story is all too common. According to a Realtor.com survey, 80% of Gen Z and 76% of millennial respondents were highly motivated by money and logistics to move in with a romantic partner. Fifty-six percent of Gen X and 44% of baby boomers said the same thing.
The majority of respondents (27%) reported saving between $1-$500 each month, while 20% said they saved between $501 and $1,000 each month. And in pricey real estate markets like New York City, an analysis by Apartment Advisor found that an individual could save more than $26,000 a year (or $2,166 per month) by shacking up together.
Forty-two percent of respondents in Realtor.com’s survey who had moved in with a partner also said they regretted making the decision. Reasons for their regrets included feelings that they rushed into the decision, found out that they weren’t compatible, and the fact that they lived together made it harder to split up in the end.
Setting Clear Expectations
Liz Gillette, founder and senior financial advisor at Curio Wealth, who specializes in couples’ finances, said she often hears stories from clients who are being faced with financial realities of living together that they didn’t anticipate. Not surprisingly, the root of many of these surprises is a lack of communication before jumping in.
“Some of the risks that I see people take is when they approach it from the angle of convenience, and not a recognition of how this change is going to impact the relationship,” Gillette said. “Both people need to be on the same page about what this move means.”
If one partner is seeing it as a primarily practical financial move and the other views it as a move toward deeper commitment, “that’s probably a series of questions for couples to work through. Why are we moving forward with this move? Are you practically roommates? Or are you starting your life of living together? What’s going to change and what’s not going to change?” she said.
Opening the door to these kinds of open and honest conversations can also help couples avoid another common pitfall: unclear expectations around how expenses will be shared and divided up.
Gillette said it’s important to have transparency on both sides about each partner’s financial situation, including how much you earn, what kind of debt you have and how you want to divide up the expenses. Whether that means splitting everything 50/50 or having one partner pay the rent while the other pays utilities, the important thing is that it feels fair to both.
Where Do You Appreciate Quality?
A lot of the tension that begins to percolate between newly cohabitating couples can often come from small spending habits that weren’t on display before you lived together. That’s why Gillette suggests a diplomatic approach to the spending conversation.
“If you agreed to split half the groceries, but one person’s a budget shopper, and the other person buys all organic and wants the best of everything, that’s really worth understanding,” Gillette said. “You can ask, ‘what are those areas where you tend to appreciate quality?’ That can be a nice way to ask where they overspend or tend to splurge.”
Gillette adds that you may not agree with certain things your partner likes to spend or splurge on, but “if you’re sharing a life with someone, my hope with my clients is that there’s enough respect and love there to focus on the shared goals you’re working towards.”
For Roberts and her partner, she said that they did have conversations about their financial arrangements and how they’d split expenses. In hindsight, though, “these conversations were totally superficial,” she said.
“We agreed on a 50/50 split without diving into the nuances of our spending habits, savings goals, or how to handle unforeseen expenses. The lack of depth in these discussions eventually led to misunderstandings, friction and never really ended positively,” Roberts said.
Be Careful How Much You Share
Beyond the relationship not working out, there are more serious risks to your financial and overall well-being by merging various aspects of your finances. Though it may seem to add convenience or security at the time, Gillette suggests being very cautious when considering steps like opening a joint bank account, sharing a credit card, co-signing on loans or even just sharing password information.
You could end up losing control of the money you have in the bank. You could also be held responsible for your former partner’s debt, and see your own credit ruined.
“That’s what really scares me, because then you’re spending the next seven to 10 years trying to get that back on track because it sounded romantic that you both went in on the couch,” Gillette said.
“Don’t share too much unless you feel confident that this person is going to take that with the respect and confidentiality that it needs,” she said. “A lot of that stuff can be really, really dangerous territory to enter in on if you’re sharing that information with the person that you’re living with, but then it doesn’t work out. Try to keep your individual financial identity.”
Thought it was a painful experience, Roberts found it enlightening and was ultimately able to channel it into something constructive. She became a relationship coach and is now the chief marketing officer for CamGo, a video chat application for meeting new people.
“This ordeal taught me the importance of clear communication and financial transparency in relationships, and led me to a career in relationship coaching, where I emphasize the significance of making relationship decisions based on readiness and mutual understanding rather than convenience or financial relief,” Roberts said. “It’s a chapter of my life that, while filled with regret, has fueled my passion for helping others navigate the complexities of love and finance.”
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This article originally appeared on GOBankingRates.com: I Regret Moving In With My Partner To Save Money — Here’s Why