Have you ever experienced someone trying to tell you that what you know is true…isn’t? Someone, usually in a leadership position, who tries to reshape the facts in order to encourage self-doubt, making you second-guess yourself, your choices, and your experience? These feelings of manipulation, when someone tries to deconstruct your experience of events, is called “gaslighting” – and it’s far more prevalent than most people realize. “[Gaslighting]
is making someone seem or feel unstable, irrational and not credible, making them feel like what they’re seeing or experiencing isn’t real, that they’re making it up, that no one else will believe them,” according to Paige Sweet, Ph.D. She’s an assistant professor of sociology in Ann Arbor, Michigan, and she says that gaslighting is similar to “trying to associate someone [in this case, you] with the label, ‘crazy.’”
Is gaslighting just another word for insulting someone, a misplaced management strategy, or what exactly? Dr. Ramani Druvasula, a licensed clinical psychologist and recognized expert on narcissists, says that gaslighting is a grooming process where one person seeks to dominate another by re-framing circumstances, events, relationships or work product. In a nutshell, Druvasula says that gaslighting is, “Denying reality and then undercutting that individual by saying there’s something wrong with them: (it’s) your memory, you must be crazy, you must be paranoid…whatever it is.”
Denying Reality, the First Sign of Gaslighting
A position of trust is required for gaslighting, according to Druvasula. So, someone who you respect and trust is the one who potentially has the power to gaslight you. Dr. Smitha Bhadari says on WebMD that the gaslighter will deny something, even if you have proof. Is a co-worker or a leader trying to reshape the facts, so that you feel as if there’s something that is wrong with you? If someone is questioning your commitment or your point of view, consider that the antidote is found inside of agreement. Establishing other facts and details, to help the gaslighter see or recognize that what you are saying is true and factual, is important. Finding others to back up your point of view can be useful when faced with gaslighting. Remember to remain calm, and do not argue with a gaslighter. That’s according to the Newport Institute (a nationwide treatment center for abused teens and others who have experienced trauma). “Gaslighting is not rational behavior, and gaslighters will not respond to logic or admit their true motivation,” according to the Center. Consider that you might ask the gaslighter, “If that’s true, and I’m not saying it is, then why did X happen, and also Y?” Since gaslighting is a projected illusion, sometimes it can be useful to ask the gaslighter to really elaborate on the fiction they are creating. How far do they want to go with this made up (and manufactured) retelling of events? Just remember: curiosity, not confrontation – arguing is not the way forward, according to the Newport Institute. Don’t try to win an argument, but gather information instead. That way, you can make an informed decision around what you decide to do next.
Minimizing Your Feelings and Reactions
A common example of gaslighting someone is minimizing the victim’s feelings, according to the Newport Institute. While it’s always a good idea to keep an open mind, you don’t have to believe everything you hear – even when it is coming from a leader, co-worker or friend that you trust. How would a robot (incapable of feeling emotion) view the situation, the dialogue, the circumstances? Remaining neutral when people are trying to tell you you’re not is a valuable skill. That perspective can help with gaslighting, and bring in a dose of reality to the fiction that’s being projected onto you.
Questioning Your Commitment, or Your Ask
A great way to deny a raise or a promotion is to question your focus, or the emotions surrounding your request. That’s not to say that every denial is a sign of gaslighting, but watch out for people who try to characterize or reframe your emotional state. According to Dr. Druvasula, examples include, “I’m not sure about your commitment”, “you are overreacting here”, “you are being obsessive” etc. as reasons for rejection or denial. Look for words that play on a sense of guilt, not your performance. How would a business coach – a neutral, professional third party – view the situation? If you run into a severe difference of opinion at work, maybe it’s time for a second opinion.
Withholding Information
Manzar Bashir, a business coach, writes, “Gaslighters often use a tactic of withholding information and keeping you in the dark about crucial matters. By selectively sharing or concealing facts, they manipulate your perception of reality and limit your ability to make informed decisions.” If you don’t have complete information, you can’t make the best choice – which means you are robbed of your autonomy. The antidote here is to pursue agreement, and set a context where “sensitive information” is distinguished from “vital information”. Can the gaslighter allow for an understanding that lets you access what you need to know? Pursuing a new context is the key here. “Gaslighters thrive on sowing confusion,” according to Bashir.
Insults, Chaos and Contradictions
Chaos, not clarity, is the objective of the gaslighter: a sign of poor leadership (as well as poor communication skills). So what can you do, when faced with someone who is trying to gaslight you? The gaslighter may even belittle you, block or divert your intentions, or try to diminish your emotional state by saying things like, “You’re acting crazy!” According to Forbes, they may even criticize your tone of voice. Verbal abuse may be followed with praise, and vice-versa – spraying contradiction at you in order to keep you off-balance.Facing a gaslighter in real-time, “You do not give up on your reality,” Druvasula says. “Nor do you capitulate (give in) to theirs.”
Recognize what is really going on here: you are not losing your mind, you are experiencing a powerful projection designed to build self-doubt. Remember that just because a train of thought shows up you don’t have to ride that train. If a gaslighter offers you a free ticket on the Disorient Express, don’t take the trip. While you may have a trusting relationship with your boss or your co-workers, observe when their agenda is showing: spreading falsehoods and denials in an attempt to control your moods, your performance and your credibility. Remember that underneath others’ behaviors, you are still you. Remembering what others have forgotten might just be the first step in self-care, trust and self-leadership.
Going Beyond Gaslighting: Moving Forward
Ultimately, if gaslighting is something you are facing at work on a regular basis, it might be time to look for new work. However, before you turn to LinkedIn for options, consider a gentle reminder that the truth shall set you free. An agenda of mutual success, based on trust, is the goal of any high-performing organization – but not necessarily the personal agenda of a gaslighter. Notice the warning signs of gaslighting, and you are taking the first step towards self-leadership, empowerment and clarity.
If you have experienced gaslighting, or you are experiencing it now, you are not alone. There are a lot of Machiavellian leaders who favor manipulation over collaboration. Don’t get caught up in a mischaracterization of your behavior, your skills or your career desires. Therapy can help to deal with the difficulty of the past – and coaching can help you to create a new future. Whatever choice you make, just remember that you don’t have to go it alone. When it comes to working with a gaslighter, you always have other options.