Is a lack of confliction resolution skills holding you back at work?
Ever have a difference of opinion with someone at work?
Whether it’s a dispute over limited resources, job responsibilities, poor communication or just plain old politics, most of us have experienced some level of conflict with a coworker. Brightmine recently found that nearly two in five (38%) of Americans have experienced a political disagreement with a colleague at work, with that number rising to 45% for Gen Z and 43% for millennials.
If an argument worsens or remains stagnant and unresolved, it can have a negative ripple effect throughout the organization—even if it was originally just between two people. Unchecked conflict is often an underlying factor in the toxic workplace.
Unfortunately, many manager candidates don’t feel confident in their conflict resolution skills, with DDI recently finding that 49% lack the requisite skills to diffuse tension. These skills include:
- Clarifying core issues. This is a challenge for 61% of respondents. Sometimes, conflict arises simply from poor or non-existent communication. Manager candidates may be completely off base in their understanding of the issues. It’s also easy to make unfounded assumptions about others’ motives.
- Offering support and resources. According to the research, 65% don’t know what tools and strategies to deploy in a conflict situation.
- Empowering others. Sixty percent of manager candidates struggle with helping others take ownership of their conflicts. As a manager, it can be hard to know when to intervene and when to step back and allow employees to work out their differences.
Since conflict is a fact of life and work, effective leaders will take the steps to equip themselves and their teams to handle disagreements productively. Good conflict resolution starts with personal assessment and reflection.
Assess your skills
When I’ve had a disagreement with a coworker or vendor, these principles have helped mitigate some of the negative emotions so we could work toward a mutually beneficial outcome.
To assess your own skill level at resolving conflict, use the following principles in a reflective way. How well do you:
Practice active listening
This is more than giving the other person time to talk while you mentally prepare your own response. Active listening is a posture of undivided attention, asking good questions to truly understand the other person’s perspective. Active listening is empathy expressing itself.
Assess yourself: When is the last time I listened to an opponent to really hear their perspective? Do I look for any common ground? Do I ever ask permission to restate what I thought I heard to ensure full understanding?
Avoid assuming motives
This one can be hard, but we need to admit we’re not mind readers here. Maybe the other person has a good reason for their stance; maybe not. Try not to decide that before you’ve heard directly from them.
Assess yourself: Do I think I know all the reasons why this person is disagreeing with me? Do I ever attribute positive motives to an opponent, or only negative ones?
Avoid accusatory statements
When discussing a contentious topic, it’s helpful to avoid “you” statements in favor of speaking only from your own perspective. “I understood this to mean X” is a lot less accusatory than “You said X,” for example.
Assess yourself: Am I choosing to make inflammatory statements or do I deliberately use calm, measured words? Do I take any of the responsibility/blame for what is happening or do I communicate that it’s all the other person’s fault?
Communicate respectfully
This is pretty obvious but in the heat of the moment, a reminder never comes amiss. It’s a lot easier for the other person to be respectful toward you if you first show that courtesy to them. Also, note that respect is not just the words we say, but how we say them. Inflection, tone and body language should imply the other person has dignity and a valid opinion.
Assess yourself: Do I communicate in a respectful way with those I disagree with? How respectful is my tone and body language when I communicate with them? How can I intentionally make the other person feel respected in the middle of a disagreement?
Avoid gossip
It can be hugely tempting to tell coworkers about your disagreement, but it’s much wiser to keep the matter as quiet as possible. Seeking justification from others who aren’t involved in the issue can come across as insecure and signals that you’re not a safe person to disagree with.
Assess yourself: Do I talk about coworkers I disagree with to other coworkers? Do I rehash the situation unnecessarily to make myself feel better? How can I be intentional about avoiding gossip?
Facilitators, not saviors
One of the best-kept secrets of conflict resolution is that managers aren’t actually responsible to solve a conflict between employees. The only people who can truly solve a conflict are those directly involved. Solutions that are handed down to both parties from an authority figure, with little or no input from those directly involved, rarely go down well.
That said, managers do have a responsibility to provide a safe space where conflict can be resolved. Their role is not to be the savior, but the facilitator.
Finally, there can be benefits to clearing the air with an honest discussion: issues come to light instead of festering, allowing solutions and compromises to be implemented. Conflict may also offer a way to grow professionally. The way you handle conflict today may be noticed by those in a position to promote you tomorrow.
If conflict is an inevitable part of working with people, we must see it as an opportunity rather than a setback—and then work toward a productive outcome for everyone involved.