We’re heading into the holidays, when we set aside time to enjoy loved ones…and our families. I deeply love my family, both immediate and extended. Navigating the many conversations, however, sometimes takes finesse. Sometimes we think we need to tackle a situation head-on. Other times, we realize we can tiptoe through an evening’s worth of challenging topics. Whether your family gatherings are a battle or a ballet, here are some suggestions to make the holidays the joyous occasion they should be.
With In-Laws
Let’s start with our in-laws. We all know that, for good and for bad, when you marry someone, you marry their family. Suddenly, we find ourselves incorporating into our psyche another tribe’s customs and culture, beliefs and baggage. There are two ground rules for dealing with your extended family’s dynamics.
#1. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.
#2. You can’t beat ‘em.
Your own family and your partner’s family did not suddenly appear one day fully formed. Families are organic entities that have evolved over generations. They have ingrained patterns of behavior and norms. Nevertheless, each new person added to the mix creates change. The extent and direction of that change depend on the size and makeup of the family. You will bring change to the family just by your presence, but entering a family or an event with the intent of creating a specific kind of change will backfire. Changing a family dynamic is like turning an aircraft carrier. It doesn’t happen quickly. Even if you’ve been in the family for a while, enter the holidays with that extra bit of accommodation. Here are a few approaches that may help in this regard.
With Your Own Family and Others
1. Assume positive intent. When someone makes a comment that can be taken with umbrage or more neutrally, say to yourself, “I think they mean that as a compliment,” and respond with a smile or a simple “thank you.” It will help your blood pressure and your relationship. Hear, “That’s a cute sweater. Did you get that at that thrift shop you like?” as an invitation to talk about your outfit and your interests rather than as a veiled attack on your taste. When you and your partner are the only adults seated at the kiddie table, assume it was because you are known for going with the flow and not making a fuss, rather than assuming it’s a comment on your place in the family hierarchy.
2. Elevate your normal level of gratitude. You’re thankful for your partner and this family that made them who they are. Remind yourself of that as you’re walking into their house. Your father-in-law’s annoying habit of trying too hard to help is part of what made your partner the kind and considerate person they are.
3. Consider using pre-emptive strikes. Don’t wait until someone is handing you the platter of turkey to suddenly announce you have decided to go vegan. Give your family as much heads-up as possible.
4. Swap out skepticism for curiosity. Every time you hear the little voice in your head start to say, “Well, that’s a little weird,” immediately change it to, “Well, this is new and interesting.” When you want to say, “Really! Marshmallows in the stuffing?” Change it to, “Hmmm. This will be sweeter than I’m used to.”
5. Acknowledge that your way is not the only way. In the last thirteen months, three of my four children have gotten married. This holiday season will be different for us, as we share our children’s time over the holidays, and welcome others into our traditions. Asking about the signature dishes and holiday habits of our in-laws acknowledges that we know our culinary and cultural strategies are unique and creates a more open climate.
6. Be helpful, and help others lend a hand. Some relatives walk into a room and immediately ask, “How can I help?” Others wait for direction. Still others duck and cover when there’s work to be done. Knowing someone’s talents and inclinations allows everyone to enjoy the holidays more fully. Don’t get frustrated when someone who doesn’t cook gets in the way in the kitchen. When Uncle Bert is standing next to you at the sink yacking away while you’re washing the dishes, just hand him a towel so he can start drying. He’s not lazy. He just doesn’t see the work in front of him. And if he does a bad job drying the dishes, send him out to get ice.
You’re Not Stuck. You’re Blessed
Stockholm Syndrome suggests that over time, someone held captive will adopt the beliefs and values of their captors. While your in-laws didn’t kidnap you, you’re stuck at that dinner, for that extended weekend, on that annual trip to the Civil War Re-enactment Camp, or watching Muppets Christmas Carol for the umpteenth time. Resistance is futile, and not helpful to anyone. Accept your fate and march along or sing along. It’s once a year, and really not that bad. Happy Holidays.