As we celebrate International Women’s Day, let’s talk about something too many women struggle with—often in silence. We are far too hard on ourselves. And not just a little bit every now and again. A lot, often.
If you’re like many women I’ve met, you’re probably much tougher on yourself than you’d ever be on anyone else. You focus on what you haven’t done, what you could have done better, or what didn’t go exactly right—while giving yourself little credit for all that you have done and did nail.
We women are often our own harshest critics. Not that men don’t experience self-doubt, but research shows that women are particularly prone to self-criticism and second-guessing ourselves. A study by the International Journal of Behavioral Science found that up to 70% of people experience imposter syndrome at some point, but women—especially those in leadership—are disproportionately affected.
It explains why, despite our best intentions to “forget perfect” and “live our best life” (and all the other aspirational messages that flood our social feeds), we often feel like we’re falling short. Way short. So short, in fact, that we live in quiet fear that others will eventually realize we’re not all we’re cracked up to be.
Women are often their own worst critics. Not that men don’t experience self-doubt, but research shows that women tend to evaluate themselves more harshly—even when they have clear evidence of their competence.
Women are more likely than men to underrate their performance, even when their actual results are equal. One study published in the Harvard Business Review found that while women tend to receive higher performance ratings than men in leadership roles, they consistently rate themselves lower in self-assessments. Another study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin shed light on women’s tendency to internalize societal gender biases, leading to more critical self-assessments
It explains why, despite our best intentions to forget perfect and live our best life, we often feel like we’re falling short.
Many capable, accomplished women live in the ‘not enough’ trap, wrestling daily with a nagging sense of inadequacy.
Not successful or experienced enough.
Not organized or disciplined enough.
Not talented or together enough.
Not fit or fashionable enough.
Not assertive enough.
Not leader-like enough.
Not competitive enough
Not confident enough!
We live in a world that simultaneously celebrates and condemns perfectionism. We’re bombarded with messages telling us to step up, shape up, and measure up to some impossible standard. It’s little wonder so many of us feel like we are falling short.
Of course, intellectually, we know that no one has it all together, all the time. Yet despite this awareness, we are still masters at beating ourselves up over every stumble, every missed target, and every moment of imperfection.
If you’re a mother, double the self-judgment.
If you’re a working mom, double it again.
As a woman who has long believed in the power of ‘self-help’, I’ve also come to realize that the best form of self-help doesn’t start with discipline, productivity hacks, or goal-setting. It starts with self-compassion.
Research by Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading expert on self-compassion whom I interviewed on my Live Brave podcast, found that people who practice self-compassion are more resilient, less anxious, and better equipped to deal with failure than those who rely solely on self-esteem.
Why? Because when we give ourselves permission to be fallible, to be both fabulous and flawed, we don’t lower our standards or stop striving for success. Quite the opposite. We expand our capacity for action, authentic connection, and meaningful contribution.
So if you’re tired of feeling like you’re not measuring up—tired of the endless pressure to be your “best self” while also having a perfectly curated life—then here’s my advice:
Give yourself permission to be brilliant and imperfect, driven and fallible, innately worthy, wholly imperfect and completely adequate —all at the same time.
I’ve learned this lesson the hard way.
Raising four kids while moving around the world several times to support my husband’s career meant constantly adjusting, rebuilding, and redefining what “normal” looked like. And while I wouldn’t change a thing, I often felt like I wasn’t measuring up to the high bar I had set for myself—not just as a mother, but as a professional, a wife, a friend, and a woman trying to carve out her own path amid it all.
No matter how much I was doing, it often felt like I should have been doing more. More patient. More present. More put-together.
And that’s the problem with the “not enough” trap—it never lets you feel like you are enough. Or not for long.
But here’s what I’ve learned:
Self-compassion is not self-indulgence. It’s a necessity.
Now, to be clear, self-awareness is important. Self-reflection—and even self-criticism—can be productive. It helps us grow, learn from mistakes, and strive to be better. In fact, a total lack of self-doubt can be outright dangerous, leading to overconfidence, poor decision-making, and blind spots that can undermine success and create a whole lot of suffering for others. Chances are you can think of someone right now who fits that bill.
The problem isn’t self-reflection; it’s when our inner critic becomes relentless, leaving no room for self-compassion or perspective.
As someone who has worked with women in leadership roles for over twenty years, I’ve encountered thousands of incredibly talented and capable women who hesitate to go after what they truly want, say “Enough!” to what’s dragging them down, or raise their hand for an opportunity—not because they aren’t ready, but because they don’t feel ready. The irony? Many of these same women are already outperforming their male peers, yet they hold back, believing they need to be even better before taking the next step.
The data is clear: when more women rise to decision tables, better decisions are made. Period. So as the world faces increasingly complex challenges, we cannot afford for women to be held back by their doubts, waiting until they are 100% sure the are ready enough or for permission to lead.
It’s time to make peace with your fallibility and back your boldest ambitions. Not just for your own sake, but because when you let your doubts rule, you short change everyone else too.
Only through self-compassion can we liberate ourselves from the exhausting, never-ending chase to prove, impress, and please.
Only through self-compassion can we reclaim the energy, confidence, and courage to take bold action in our careers, in our communities, and in our lives and, without sounding overly lofty, in the world.
So back yourself more and be a little kinder to yourself. On your bad days. On your good days. On International Women’s Day. On all days. Not just because you deserve self-compassion (though you absolutely do), but because when you embrace your humanity and show up as the “flawsome” woman that you are, you give others permission to do the same. In short, self-compassion into just for you, it’s an act of public service.
Happy International Women’s Day!
Dr Margie Warrell is a leadership coach, author and keynote speaker who is passionate about helping women lead boldly. Grab her latest book, The Courage Gap. Follow on Linked In.