If your children participated in youth sports, you probably know the challenges of trying to comfort an inconsolable player who is frustrated with a loss. Often they fixate on that one missed goal, bad play, failed free throw, or inadvertent foul. If only they had tried harder, run faster, or practiced more, they might have secured the “W.” The truth is, it is rarely any one moment, play, or individual that caused a loss.
To a young player, defeat can feel like the end of the world. Their deep disappointment is compounded by feelings of not being enough. Despite the greater perspective that we as parents try to offer in those moments, that sense of failure, frankly, stinks! Having parented two athletes and coached many teams over the years, I have had the opportunity to witness what works and what doesn’t as we help young people confront failure.
College admission is no different. No matter the time, energy, and effort that students invest in preparing and applying, when the admission “game” does not go as hoped, it can cut deep. So how can we as parents support our players from the sidelines? As a school counselor, I have similarly watched this go well and not so well. Some early application decisions are releasing this month, and many parents and supporters wonder how best to approach the disappointment of missed goals. Here is what I have learned:
Be the parent, not the coach. Though it is tempting to launch into game review and strategy for the next game/round, don’t. In the wake of being denied admission, students don’t need us to be their coach, just their biggest fan.
Walk it off. Disappointing decisions can sting like being struck by a curveball. Often when a player is knocked down, we tell them to walk it off and this can be a useful way forward for applicants. Staring at the email or letter informing them of bad news doesn’t help. Go for a walk together or allow your child space to do so on their own. It also might be best for some parents to take their own walk to process the news. Fresh air and a change of scene is always healthy.
Team spirit. Applying to college is your child’s responsibility and they should own the experience. That said, it is also a team effort with parents as partners. In athletic competition, often players blame themselves for a loss and they are discouraged by feeling they let their team down. When they are not admitted to a specific college, in addition to their own frustration, they may feel like they have disappointed us as parents or their school. This is especially true if the college is our alma mater or there is another connection. The best we can do is manage our own reactions and emotions around these decisions however deflated or disheartened we might feel. Remind your child that your pride and acceptance are unconditional and that the team is behind them no matter what.
Don’t be “that” parent. We love our children and from the minute they appear in this world, we want to protect them from pain and ensure their happiness. I have seen some parents invest in their child’s sport in unhealthy ways. Maybe you have seen it too, where another parent is vocally upset about a call they feel the referee made in error or a decision the coach made that they didn’t agree with. Disparaging a college, counselor, or another applicant in the wake of bad news is not helpful. Don’t feed the negative energy or put students in a situation where they feel uncomfortable by a parent’s response.
Keep your eye on the ball. Before decisions land, it is useful to revisit the goal of college admission. Hopefully, it is greater than “getting in” to any one specific school, but rather continuing one’s education and finding opportunities for growth as your child plans for their future. This focus on the greater mission can lessen the disappointment even if in the moment it stings.
Don’t overanalyze. This is not the time to be a Monday morning quarterback. The “what ifs” are not helpful. Even though your child might feel like it was one thing (test scores, that B- in Calculus, or having too few extracurriculars), the truth is it was unlikely a specific factor. Just as one play doesn’t determine the outcome of a game, the fact is that the competition was probably stiff and that is beyond an applicant’s control. Don’t waste time in this space.
Words matter. Instead of saying you were crushed by an opponent, saying you didn’t win sets a different tone. Similarly, there is a difference between not being offered admission and being rejected. Your child might very well feel rejected and use that language (I don’t recommend suggesting to them otherwise in the moment). But as parents, we need to be aware of the words and phrases we use and the implicit messages we send to our children through our language.
Guard the dugout. Your child needs a space where they can retreat and not have to think or talk about college. This is especially true when disappointing news lands. Allow your home to be that space and take their lead if and when they want to discuss decisions. We all process in different ways and at different speeds, so honor their wishes.
Bring the orange slices. As a parent, there is little we can control about college admission and outcomes. Ultimately, the best we can do is show up, listen, and support our children in the ways that they are signaling they need. Food always helps, whether that means oranges during halftime or a meal out when a decision has them down.
There will be wins and losses throughout your child’s life. They might well be accepted to the schools that they had hoped to gain access to, and that is cause for celebration. If that doesn’t happen, it will likely feel like a loss, and that we cannot control. What we can control is the ways that we offer our support and manage our reactions. The wins will come and I have watched enough games and worked with enough young people to know that it all works out in the end.