Scott Walker, author of Order Out of Chaos, is a Sunday Times best-selling author and keynote speaker. One of the world’s most experienced kidnap-for-ransom negotiators, Walker has helped resolve over 300 cases worldwide.
Walker and I discussed how to deal with difficult emotions in stressful situations. These aren’t as high stakes as hostage negotiations: a difficult situation could be a phone chat with a sibling or a difficult conversation with a colleague who frequently frustrates you. As Walker shares, collaboration is the way through these situations; he offers three specific strategies to help you to move forward and avoid a negativity spiral.
Three strategies that work in any difficult conversation
Walker has a three-step framework for engaging in a difficult conversation: embrace the power of the pause, “ride the wave,” and ask better questions. First, pause. Breathe. Regain your composure if you’ve lost it temporarily. Second, “ride the wave:” feel your feelings, but don’t say anything or react in a way that will cause you regret. Finally, ask questions with the underlying goal of supporting the other person, looking for opportunities for collaboration, and expanding your thinking. This stance requires you to put your judgment aside and be genuinely curious.
The strategies aren’t easy because we are hardwired for to act under pressure. Walker says we must practice the process. This requires focus on the process, rather than on the intended goal or “winning.” A narrow focus will blind us to opportunities and solutions we can’t conceive of yet.
One of the simplest ways to put these strategies into practice is to take deep breaths to reset your system. When you feel yourself tensing up in a difficult conversation or you know that you are going to have a difficult conversation take a couple of breaths to reset and regain control.
Value change
Walker says you must break the pattern of doing the same things every time you have a conflict. For example, if in hard conversations you usually bluster forward despite tension, do this instead: Stop. When appropriate, admit you screwed up and apologize. Walker says if you’re going to break your bad patterns, you must truly value change. Then, put that value into practice.
Likeability engenders credibility.
Trust must be the foundation for any conflict or difficult negotiation. Scott said that, tragically, when kidnappers walk away from hostage negotiations, it’s because negotiators never built trust with the kidnappers. When trust is built, negotiators have a 93% chance of de-escalating the situation and achieving a successful outcome.
As a leader, you’re most likely not negotiating with kidnappers. Yet you still need to build trust with your teams so that you can engage in healthy conflict, discussion, and negotiation. The number one way to build trust, says Walker, is spending your most valuable currency: time. Spending time with your people allows for easier collaboration; however, some leaders view listening and creating rapport as “wasting time.” Says Walker to leaders: you’re dealing with people. Your teams must feel connected and cared for if they’re going to trust you.
On the other hand, if you “play hardball,” you build a reputation of throwing people under the bus. There are wider consequences when you don’t collaborate: when you’re not seeking common ground, you can be blindsided later on. For example, someone on your team might not share something that’s going awry with one of your projects; you run the risk of finding out when it’s too late to reverse course. A reputation for being likeable is more valuable than a reputation for “playing hardball”—being likeable engenders credibility with others, which ultimately gives you more leverage.
Walker shared that once he was negotiating with cyber attackers on behalf of a company. Fear was a big driver in the company culture; there was no foundation of trust. Leadership and teams were finger-pointing and passing off blame. Junior team members were too scared to share their insights; according to Walker, their insights were needed for the successful resolution of the negotiation. All parties were hurt by a culture in which junior team members couldn’t speak freely. As Walker shares, fear-driven leadership is bad for business. Leaders can’t be driven by ego and silo stakeholders and team members; this drives valuable team members to the margins and impedes progress.
As a leader, you must create a foundation of trust and a means to let people be heard. Walker shares that when you do this, you create a culture where everyone can lean into conflict and share freely, even in the hard times.