“Okay, Michael… sit down. Mommy wants to talk to you.” With a ten-minute timer ticking down, I searched for the right words to start a conversation I dreaded but knew was necessary. The biggest hurdle was how to best communicate such a complicated subject to my special needs child.
This wasn’t the typical “birds and the bees” talk but rather the “uncomfortable touching” talk—one that parents are finding they need to have earlier and earlier. For me, as a parent of an autistic child, this discussion carried additional weight.
Unique Challenges for Children with Special Needs
The data around this topic is deeply upsetting. Researchers have found that that more than 90% of people with intellectual disabilities will experience some form of sexual abuse at some time in their lives. They also estimate that 15,000 to 19,000 people with intellectual disabilities are sexually assaulted each year in the United States.
Additionally, according to the Justice Department, special need individuals are over seven times more likely to be victims of sexual assault than those without disabilities.
As a parent, I was determined to do everything I could to protect Michael, my 12-year-old son, while navigating the communication challenges inherent in raising a neurodivergent child.
Creative Strategies to Prepare for Challenges
Michael is verbal, but typical conversations can be difficult. To keep him engaged, I rely on tools like timers and creative approaches tailored to his needs.
For instance, he is terrified of haircuts. To prepare him for even the simplest trims, we played with a Play-Doh haircutting kit, where we re-enacted the process. I read “Getting a Haircut PECS Social Story Autism Visual Tool with Haircut Schedule Sequence Strip” to talk about the buzzers they’d use, the sound and try to mentally prepare him for what it would be like to have someone (other than himself) touch his hair. When he went to get his haircut, even though there was some crying and screaming (and a huge tip for the hairdresser), he finally got through it and knew what to expect.
However, there were very few resources for preparing my special needs son on how to say no, the importance of not keeping secrets, and that certain body parts are private. And given his speech delays (40% of kids with autism are non-verbal, the National Autism Association reports), I began to wonder that even if I got through this talk, would he be able to tell me if something did happen to him?
Despite resources for teaching neurodivergent children about daily routines and social challenges, I found a significant gap in materials addressing body safety, privacy, and the importance of saying no. This was especially concerning given Michael’s speech delays, which made me question whether he could effectively communicate if something were to happen.
Expert Advice on How to Start
Dr. Kim Spence, an Autism Disorders Specialist, recommended assessing what children already know and using visuals to reinforce learning. Following her advice, I introduced Michael to the book Taking Care of Myself: A Healthy Hygiene, which uses visuals to teach body awareness and safety.
For Non-Verbal children, Dr. Spence encourages parents to think about how they communicate now. “Are they using board maker? Are they using sign language? How does your child learn? You must discern if your child responds best to video modeling, picture books, computers, talking, support tools, etc. Whatever modality they communicate best is how to communicate with them.”
Since the word “private” is a bit difficult for Michael due to his speech delays, and using Dr. Spence’s suggestion, I considered Michael to be very visual. Thanks to Pinterest, I was able to print out and point to his “private area” and show him the symbols for “Stop” and “Don’t touch.”
“Educate your child with an age-appropriate plan about touching, using simple, direct language is essential to and keep the childish terms out,” says Dennis Debbaudt, a former private investigator who for 25 years has been training criminal justice professionals, police, and emergency responders on how to recognize and respond to people who have autism. He is also the father of an autistic son.
The Role of Parental Intuition
“Who is going to target your child and why?” Debbaudt said, advising me to put myself in the mind of a predator. He encouraged me to read the free resource “Child Molesters: A Behavioral Analysis from the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children Manual.”
“To assume someone is not a pedophile simply because he is nice, actively practices his faith, works hard, is kind to animals, helps abused children, reports finding child pornography on the Internet to law enforcement, and/or searches for missing children is absurd,” the manual advises, hitting home the fact that anyone can be dangerous. “Pedophiles span the full spectrum from saints to monsters. Despite this fact, over and over again, pedophiles are not recognized, investigated, charged, convicted, or sent to prison simply because they are nice guys.'”
My son is probably too young to understand the nuances of nice guys being bad, but it was a good reminder to me.
Dr Spence reinforced that. “Most abusers are typically someone your child knows: That’s universally true for both typical and neurotypical children,” she said, noting that any program your child attends — camp, school, daycare – you can check with the municipality and ask: “What are the minimum requirements to work here?”
“Be your child’s eyes and ears on the lookout for potential abusive situations. Don’t be afraid to ask straightforward questions to people who may be with your child,” says Debbaudt, the former private investigator. “It’s scary to hear this, but I know it’s true,” he said, talking to our children and being “extra diligent for our children who are not fully able to verbalize if someone is making them uncomfortable.”
“One of the issues is that there is no ‘one-size-fits-all’ way to approach this conversation with your children,” Meredy Goldberg Edelson, a professor of psychology at Willamette University, advised.
With no clear idea of who may be a predator and our special needs children vulnerable, we must work to find new ways to have these talks and create resources to defend them.
Ultimately, there is also something we can always rely on a parent’s intuition. As Dr. Spence said, “When your spider sense tingles, always listen and pursue it.”
Reinforcing the Conversation
As the timer ran out, I praised Michael for engaging with me. Though unsure how much had sunk in, I recognized that this talk would be one of many as he grows older and his understanding evolves.
This ongoing dialogue may not feel perfect, but it is a necessary step in protecting our most vulnerable children with special needs.