This holiday season, nearly half of respondents in a recent survey say they’re planning to skip family get-togethers altogether. The reason? A strong desire to steer clear of political arguments.
With emotions running high and political discourse dominating every corner of life, it’s no surprise many are hesitant to dive into potentially tense gatherings. Psychotherapist Robi Ludwig goes so far as to call politics “the new religion”, for its ability to polarize conversations.
Yet some public figures have gone all-in on the idea of distancing themselves from people they disagree with. Yale psychiatrist Dr. Amanda Calhoun, for example, told MSNBC it’s ok to cut ties with family members who voted differently, while actress Christina Applegate encouraged her 1.5 million followers on X to unfollow her if they disagreed with her political stance.
But is walking away the best answer? Experts say no and suggest a more nuanced approach like enlightened disagreement—a communications strategy that emphasizes curiosity, respect and meaningful dialogue, even when you fundamentally disagree.
What Is Enlightened Disagreement?
Think of enlightened disagreement as the antidote to the all-or-nothing thinking dominating so many of today’s political conversations. Enlightened disagreement is about creating space for diverse perspectives and engaging in respectful, meaningful conversations, rather than avoiding difficult topics altogether.
“Any healthy group, organization, or society requires disagreement,” Nour Kteily shared in a press release announcing the launch of The Center for Enlightened Disagreement, of which Kteily is a co-chair. “Too often, though, we get lost in caricaturing and alienating those who disagree with us, spurning the opportunity to learn and benefit from our differences in perspectives.”
This isn’t about brushing conflict under the rug or pretending differences don’t exist. “Engaging in enlightened disagreement doesn’t mean avoiding tough conversations,” Dr. Jay Kumar, expert in brain and behavior, shared via email. “It’s about approaching them with curiosity and mutual respect.”
Tips for Navigating Tough Political Conversations
If you’re walking into a holiday gathering bracing for conflict, here are some expert tips for keeping things constructive.
Avoid the “If You’re Not with Me, You’re Against Me” Mentality
This mindset might feel justified in the moment, but it rarely leaves room for progress. Social psychologist Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh cautions against it in her newsletter, writing that this binary thinking can “erode the foundation of any relationship.” Instead, remember that individual choices are often shaped by personal experiences. You don’t have to agree, but recognizing where someone is coming from can open the door to understanding.
Humanize the Other Person
Political views often feel black-and-white, making it easy to minimize the other person’s perspective,” Dr. Nasserzadeh shared during a recent interview. She advises focusing on the broader relationship. “You don’t have to agree—or even maintain the same closeness—but you don’t need to reduce them to their political beliefs,” she explains.
Manage Your Emotions
Conversations can get heated fast, especially when politics come up. Dr. Nasserzadeh suggests techniques like deep breathing or taking a quick break if you feel yourself getting overwhelmed or triggered. The goal is to respond thoughtfully, not react emotionally.
Focus on Shared Values
Even in the most divided families, there are usually common threads to build on. “The heightened political tensions we’re experiencing today are deeply rooted in our brain’s survival instincts, which naturally gravitate toward ‘us vs. them’ thinking,” explains Dr. Kumar. Focusing on shared traditions, memories, or values can redirect attention to what unites rather than divides.
Redirect the Conversation
Sometimes the best move is to steer the conversation away from politics altogether. Ludwig recommends having a simple, graceful redirect ready. For example: “I think we’ve had enough politics for now—what’s new with you?” A well-timed shift can save everyone from unnecessary tension.
Know When to Step Away
Despite your best efforts, some conversations just aren’t worth continuing. If things get heated or unproductive, politely excuse yourself. A calm, polite exit is often more effective than staying in a conversation that’s going nowhere.
In a culture that sometimes celebrates cutting ties with those who don’t align with us, it’s worth remembering that relationships don’t have to end over disagreements. This season, try leaning into connection rather than conflict and don’t let politics ruin your holidays.