Despite what you may assume with all the loud social media and political rhetoric, we live in what is largely a “go along to get along” world.
Corporate corruption abounds while potential whistleblowers stay silent. Workplace abuse often goes unchallenged.
In short, good people are often afraid to defy.
Wouldn’t it be nice if defiance could be transformed from its misunderstood negative standing to a crucial, positive force for personal and social change?
Dr. Sunita Sah is doing a masterful job of repositioning defiance as a learnable social skill that can serve us all. She’s a Cornell University psychologist and trained physician who conducts groundbreaking research on influence, authority, compliance, and defiance.
Her book is Defy: The Power of No in a World That Demands Yes.
Dr. Sah cites research—consistent with what most of us know—that what people believe their values to be is often quite different from how they actually behave. What seems to be behind that difference?
“This disconnect between stated values and actual behavior often stems from psychological, social, and structural forces,” she says. “People value integrity, fairness, and justice but hesitate when real-world pressures arise. Fear of retaliation, social conditioning, and the pressure to conform make speaking up difficult. We aren’t trained for these moments, so we freeze, rationalize inaction, or comply to maintain harmony.”
She says people often actively resist acting defiantly for three reasons.
- Pressure to comply – Social and institutional forces nudge us toward compliance, especially in professional settings where defiance can risk reputational or career damage.
- Misunderstanding of defiance – Many view defiance as reckless or disruptive, but it can be quiet, strategic, and values-driven.
- Lack of tools – Even when we recognize the need to push back, we often don’t know how, defaulting to inaction not due to lack of conviction but lack of strategy.
Many people resist resisting—in other words, they resist the urge to speak up against a behavior, rule, or decision they believe to be unreasonable or simply wrong. Why?
Sah says it’s because of a distinct psychological barrier she calls insinuation anxiety. “This is the discomfort we feel when noncompliance might signal distrust—suggesting, even implicitly, that the person making the request is not as ethical, competent, or well-intentioned as they claim to be. The fear of appearing accusatory, even when we disagree in good faith, increases the pressure to comply.” She says her research and other studies show that even in one-off interactions with strangers, people may worry about offending the other person. “If it’s a boss, mentor, colleague, or advisor—someone whose goodwill we rely on—the stakes feel even higher,” she says. “We don’t want to suggest that they are untrustworthy or acting in bad faith, so we silence our concerns or soften our stance.”
So, what’s the difference between compliance and consent?
“Compliance is a reactive response—going along with a directive, expectation, or rule, often imposed by authority figures or systems,” she says. “It’s externally dictated and can occur without genuine agreement, sometimes under pressure or out of habit.
Consent, by contrast, is an informed, voluntary decision aligned with one’s values.”
She says five elements define consent:
- Capacity – The ability to make decisions based on cognitive competence.
- Knowledge – Information about the decision you will make, including the relevant risks, benefits, and alternatives.
- Understanding – A clear grasp of the facts and implications of the information you have been given.
- Freedom – The absence of coercion or undue influence.
- Authorization – A conscious decision to either give informed consent or informed refusal.
Without all five elements, she says, true consent does not exist.
Sah says defiance is a practice, not a personality. So, how can a person learn to “defy” without coming across as a perpetual nay-sayer?
Defiance is a learned skill, she says, not an inherent trait. To practice effective defiance, she suggests these three steps:
- Anticipate – Many of the moments that test our values are predictable. At work, these might include pressure to go along with a questionable decision, overlook an ethical concern, or stay silent when you disagree. By identifying the most common situations where defiance might be necessary, you can be mentally prepared rather than caught off guard.
- Visualize & Prepare – Picture yourself in these moments. What would you say? How would you react? Visualization is a powerful tool used by athletes and performers, and it applies here too. Take it a step further by scripting your response and role-playing with a trusted friend or mentor. The more you practice, the more natural it will feel in the moment.
- Act with Purpose – Defiance is most effective when it’s grounded in values. When a decision or behavior conflicts with your integrity, that’s when you speak up.
Sah writes about what she calls the five stages of defiance:
- Tension – The discomfort we feel when external demands conflict with our core values.
- Acknowledgment – Recognizing this tension within ourselves is crucial. Too often we disregard our tension and push away our doubt but acknowledging our discomfort reminds us that we still have agency.
- Escalation – Externalizing our discomfort to another person. We can do this through subtle questioning and curiosity rather than confrontation. In this stage, we’re simply clarifying the situation and our concerns.
- Threat of Noncompliance – If concerns are dismissed, we now signal our readiness to defy.
- Act of Defiance – The final stage is action, whether by refusing a directive, exposing wrongdoing, or making a choice that defies expectations.
“These stages don’t always happen in order,” she says. “You might skip one, cycle back, or toggle between them. Some people move from acknowledgment straight to action, while others linger in stages two and three perhaps for a while. Understanding these stages helps us navigate defiance more effectively, making it a deliberate choice rather than an impulsive reaction.
Assuming that changing jobs is not an option, what’s Sah’s advice to someone who wants to offer ideas contrary to organizational culture but works for a “command and control” leader with no tolerance for anything but strict obedience?
“When defiance isn’t viable, the best short-term approach is what I call conscious compliance,” she says. “This involves deliberately choosing to comply not out of passive submission but as a tactical decision even when the elements for consent are present. Conscious compliance can serve as a means of self-preservation, allowing for more effective resistance in the future. Ultimately, however, if the job fundamentally conflicts with your values, the long-term costs of staying silent must be considered. Are they sustainable? While leaving may not be an immediate option, long-term strategies can open up alternative paths.”
Referring to the Defiance Compass graphic shown here, Sah explains the role of values, courage, and self-confidence in an act of defiance.
“Defiance often begins with a fundamental question: ‘Who am I?’ This introspection clarifies our core values—the guiding principles that shape our decisions. Next, ‘What type of situation is this?’ helps us assess whether it is safe to defy and what kind of impact we could have. The final question, ‘What does a person like me do in a situation like this?’ bridges identity with action. It requires two factors: responsibility—recognizing our role in standing up for our values—and ability—developing the skills to act. The more we practice defiance, the more our confidence and ability to defy grows.”
How can parents teach their children how to practice strategic defiance in a world that largely expects compliance?
“The world largely expects compliance, so it’s essential to equip children with the skills to push back in ways that are thoughtful, constructive, and aligned with their values,” Sah says. “One simple way to start is by teaching our children to recognize injustice, unfairness, and unethical behavior and then encourage small acts of defiance. For example, if they notice a classmate being excluded, guide them to invite that child into their group. Teach them to say, ‘It’s unfair to leave someone out’ or ‘That wasn’t a kind thing to say’—not in a confrontational way, but as a proactive step toward building the world they want to see.”
Children learn how to defy by watching the adults around them, she says.” Parents can demonstrate positive defiance—not as loud or brash rebellion, but as a proactive force for good. Show them how to question respectfully, challenge unfairness thoughtfully, and stand firm in their principles without unnecessary conflict. Creating family values like kindness, compassion, and fairness, can show children that defiance isn’t about saying no but about shaping a better society.”