The term “Gray Divorce” is credited to Susan Brown, professor of sociology, one of the authors of the article in Journals of Gerontology: Social Sciences, Vol. 73, No. 6, 2018.
Divorcing younger is different than divorcing over age 50
People divorcing over age 50 must address different aspects of divorce than people in their thirties or forties. People in their 30’s and 40’s often have younger children for whom child custody and parenting time must be decided. Joint legal (decision making) and shared physical custody may be agreed upon or litigated. Money for child support, health insurance, medical care, childcare, extracurricular activities must also be allocated. Future college costs need to be considered and provided for. Separate households that can accommodate the children in separate homes need to be procured and paid for. Spousal support may need to be awarded to the lesser earning spouse or the children’s primary caretaker. Finally, financial assets need to be divided including potentially selling the marital home or one spouse buying the other out, division of pensions and retirement accounts, closing joint bank accounts and credit cards and sharing airline miles.
Younger people have much of their working lives ahead of them to meet someone new and become financially successful. People over age 50 have a shorter time until retirement, or they may already be retired. Their children are likely grown and of an age where they can weigh in and take sides in their parents’ divorce.
Why divorcing “Gray” is different
Statistically, divorce rates over age 50 have doubled and over age 65, they have tripled, Once children reach age 18 they are emancipated in terms of child custody in every state. Most states terminate child support obligations at age 18, except New York in which it is 21. College costs can still be a factor but the issues for people in their 50’s, 60’s, and 70’s are very different from issues for people in their 30’s and 40’s. Younger people are planning ahead, if they can, for college. Older parents have already made the plan and it may be necessary to decide how the college money not spent should be distributed (to the children) or back to the parents or set aside for future grandchildren. Most of their assets have already been accumulated and will only grow by market forces. The issues are how will each spouse be able to live on the division of assets accumulated and can they each afford to support themselves? Is one spouse suffering from an illness, unable to work, exhibiting signs of dementia? There are also other outside family influences.
The Cases
One of the more troubling aspects of a gray divorce is when there are older children who can be more concerned with their inheritance than their parents’ happiness. The divorce becomes all about the children and which parent is more likely to provide for them in their will. In one case, the husband sought to be declared the wife’s guardian thereby depriving her of all her legal rights to make financial decisions, to make medical decisions, and to keep in control of all their assets. Each of these parties had a grown child from earlier marriages who weighed in as well. The cost of post-divorce care by an adult child must be a factor to be considered. Divorce becomes the prelude or the resolution to a battle in Surrogate’s Court upon the parent’s death.
The parties purchased an apartment in the 1960’s for about $75,000. It was now worth upwards of one million dollars. The wife refused to give up the apartment and wanted to continue living there without the husband. Assets purchased decades ago are now worth much more and capital gains have to be considered in any sale or buy out. The husband’s entitled to share in the asset was an important factor. If there were no other assets to offset his 50% interest in the apartment, it would have to be sold and the proceeds divided.
The parties divorced once and married a second time while the wife was in a rehabilitation center. The wife was part beneficiary of a trust fund that left her share to her siblings unless she was married. The siblings managed to keep the husband away from the wife so he couldn’t see her deteriorating and she started a divorce action against him influenced by her siblings. They were divorced and the wife shortly thereafter died with her estate going to her siblings.
A second marriage of 25 years during which the wife liquidated all her separate property to help finance her husband’s “out of the box” investments had no knowledge of the marital finances and whether to stay married to him even though they separated, in the hopes he’d pull off another windfall. Should she divorce now before he wasted away their one remaining asset by investing in another financial disaster? She struggled between wanting to believe that financial success was around the corner and her knowledge that as the years wound down, that was increasingly unlikely.
A wife and husband who shared information about their finances and worked with a financial planner throughout their marriage, were able to reach an agreement dividing their assets including their country club membership, football season tickets, houses in three states, airline miles, and their adult children’s remaining college fund money. They were also able to agree on an inheritance plan for their adult children.
Divorcing older leads to high emotions
Emotions run very high when divorcing over 50. Anger, resentment, grief, lost years, little time ahead and perhaps years of unhappiness in an unfulfilling marriage all lead to high emotional impact. Adult children are not immune to its impact.
It’s not just about the money
The Home: who will continue to live there? Will it need to be sold? A lifetime of memories is stored in a home. Attachments to a home, a neighborhood, friends, the local coffee shop are all emotional attachments make letting go a decision fraught with emotion and fear.
Health Issues: A serious health issue can impact a couple especially one in which the well partner does not want to spend their remaining years caring for an ill partner.
Being alone: feelings of aloneness especially if one is used to an active social life can be devastating later in life. Making new friends is not easy post-retirement and divorce inevitably leads to a dividing of the friends, with different people choosing sides.
The Baby Boom Influence
According to Dr. Susan Brown of Bowling Green State University in Ohio, “trends in later life divorce are driven by the baby boom generation who spawned the initial divorce wave in the 1970’s. Many went on to remarry, noting that some are on their second or third marriages, which boosts the likelihood of divorce.”
Generation X is the generation that followed baby boomers. Their divorce rate is 18 divorces per 1,000 couples, according to the U.S. census, a rate below the baby boomer generation. If this trend continues, we are likely to see a slowdown in “Gray Divorces” once they reach age 50 and beyond.
What to Do
Prepare yourself both financially and emotionally. Do a deep dive into your financial picture. Speak with a counselor to prepare for the emotional terrain ahead. Think about how to lessen the impact on your children and its impact on their lives such as no more family get togethers at the marital home for Thanksgiving, by example.