Money does matter in your relationships and we can even be said to have a certain ‘money personality.’ Following up on my article about money personalties, How Knowing Your Money Personality Will Improve Your Relationships, this article will discuss how our families often have the biggest impact on our money personality and how we relate to money.
[The following is an adapted excerpt from the book Whole Heart Finances, written by Shane Enete.]
When I was in middle school, I often spent time at a friend’s house after school. Throughout the years, I noticed their family had a pattern. Every time my friend had any type of sadness, his mom would immediately reach into her purse, pull out some cash, and say something like, “You are a good boy, so go out and do something fun.” As you might imagine, my friend’s relationship to his mother shaped his relationship to money. But, in what way?
Your Relationship to Money in Three Dimensions
Dr. Eileen Gallo developed a framework for identifying our relationship around money called, Money Dimensions. This framework illustrates how we can have a unique relationship with money across three different dimensions: (1) Acquisition, (2) Use, and
(3) Management. While we may exhibit all three dimensions, only one is our primary way of relating to money. For each of the three dimensions, there is also a healthy and an unhealthy way to relate to money. And within each unhealthy expression, there are two opposite ways people can be unhealthy.
Acquisition (A)
If your primary money dimension is Acquisition (A), you mostly view money as a type of collectible. You immediately treat it like it’s a game to win and believe that you can “level up” by collecting more money. Seeing the need to collect something that has value in this life is not necessarily right or wrong, but there are two ways that an Acquirer can become unhealthy. In one extreme, he or she develops an insatiable appetite to acquire money, like Smaug the Dragon from The Hobbit, who was cursed with an unending
appetite for gold. The other extreme is to become completely avoidant of acquiring money, like a flagellant monk who sees money as a cursed collectible, occasionally leaving his cold, desolate cave to condemn people in town for enjoying their earthly attachments.
Use (U)
If your primary money dimension is Use (U), you mostly view money for its potential use—as a type of ticket for enjoyable consumption. In your mind, every twenty-dollar bill may instantly transform into a good restaurant dish, a fun weekend away, or a pampering manicure. At one extreme, a User can become unhealthy by developing an ever-increasing appetite to spend. Like Cher in the movie Clueless, a User comes home with bags full of expensive clothing to feel better about life. The other extreme is using money as a ticket to keep you safe and secure as you restrict regular spending and save like a miser.
Management (M)
If your primary money dimension is Management (M), you mostly view money as a to-do that you need to manage. Every dollar bill is a puzzle to be solved. This is exactly how my daughter, Sage, and I relate to money. You’ll see a small look of pain on our faces as we figure out the best possible way to manage our cash. A Manager can become unhealthy by developing an ever-increasing appetite to micromanage everything about how money is used, spent, given, and saved.
When I am expressing an unhealthy money personality, this is how I do it. I stop being in the moment, enjoying my family, and instead, focus on achieving the perfect spending plan. I use a spreadsheet to make sure that every dollar is managed to my satisfaction, all to the detriment of my wife and kids. They become obstacles to my perfect planning, not people I am meant to care for. At the other extreme is someone who, after suffering under the rule of a micromanager, willfully chooses a hands-off approach, fearing they will harm people in the same way they were harmed in the past. This is the person who plugs their ears every time you seek to have a meaningful
discussion about spending plans.
Create A Money Genogram
Once you identify your primary money dimension (A, U, M), try to understand how you have experienced your family members relationship to money and use your experience to give them a primary money dimension. Then, map their letter onto a “money genogram” to visualize patterns and connections.
The Financial Therapy Association (FTA) has been at the forefront of developing useful tools for individuals who want to explore their relationship with money. One such tool is a Money Genogram. Genograms have been used by psychologists for decades to help people understand how they’ve been influenced by their family of origin. It works like this:
- Create a family tree.
- Note the primary money dimension for each of your family
members (A, U, or M). - Designate whether you mostly experienced a healthy or unhealthy
expression of this dimension by putting a plus (+) or minus (-) sign
next to the letter.
For example, if my friend felt like his mom was expressing an unhealthy Overspending version of the Use money dimension, then within his mom’s genogram circle he would write “U-.” See here for more information about creating a money genogram.
Conclusion
Your relationship to money is largely determined by how your family relates to money. It can be a very fruitful exercise to, first, determine your primary money dimension (e.g., acquisition, use, or management) and then, second, map it on a money genogram. See what kind of insights you might glean.