Chances are, if you have the opportunity to reconnect with old friends, you won’t. But you should—for lots of good reasons that are beneficial to everything from your identity and esteem to your sense of connectedness.
And while you may believe it would be awkward to reach out, it’s probably just what you need. The majority of people today say they feel lonely, depressed or anxious—but finding friends and sustaining relationships are some of the most reliable ways to increase your sense of mental health and wellbeing.
Losing Touch
It’s reasonable to lose touch with friends. In fact, the average person’s network turns over about every seven years. The number of relationships you have tends to stay consistent, but after seven years, only 48% of the people in your network remain the same, according to the Netherlands Organization for Scientific Research.
It’s normal for connections to shift, and it’s often because of life transitions—your job or employer changes, you have children or you move. When you lose touch with someone it’s known as a dormant tie (rather than a strong tie to someone you see often and have a deep relationship with).
Most people resist reconnecting because they believe it will be uncomfortable or because they feel that old friends have become strangers. In addition, people tend to underestimate how rewarding it will be to reconnect, according to research published in the Communications Psychology journal.
Why You Should Reconnect with Old Friends
There are good reasons to connect with old friends.
First, reconnecting can be an especially efficient way to make friends. With an old friend, you have history and experience—so you’re not starting from scratch.
Second, old friends can be good for your identity because they remind you of where you’ve been and what is still the same about you. Your values, beliefs or fundamental aspects of yourself may have been the basis for your friendship—so it’s encouraging to consider ways you’re still the same.
Third, old friends can be especially validating in seeing how far you’ve come. They offer a point of reference for where you were then compared with where you are now—and how much you’ve learned, developed or achieved in the time since you were in touch with them. Old friends give you a sense of progress.
How to Reconnect with Old Friends
There are a number of simple ways to reconnect—all of which have big payoffs in terms of friendship and fulfillment.
1. Make it About Kindness
Interestingly, researchers found that people were more likely to reach out to an old friend when they thought of it as an act of kindness to the other person.
Think of how much your old friend would appreciate hearing from you and remind yourself they may be lonely or disconnected and would love the opportunity to build the relationship.
2. Be Confident
In the research, people were enthusiastic about hearing from an old friend although they were resistant to reaching out themselves.
You can be confident to reach out—and overcome any worries—by realizing how open your old friend will be to hearing from you.
3. Make it Easy
When you reach out, do so in a way that’s easy for you. While you could pick up the phone, you can also reach out effectively (and more easily perhaps) with a text or a message through a social media platform.
You’re more likely to take action when the investment is low and doesn’t require a lot of time.
4. Be Clear
When you’re reconnecting, it’s also wise to be clear about your expectations. You can let your old friend know that you don’t have an agenda (hidden or otherwise). You’re not looking for a job or a loan—but you were thinking about them, appreciating the times you had together and just wanted to check in.
5. Start Small
In addition, you can reconnect effectively by keeping your request low key. Start with a conversation and then suggest coffee—either virtual or face-to-face. You may rekindle the relationship to the point that you want to have lunch or dinner or organize a retreat with the old group, but start small and work up to bigger commitments.
Managing expectations will help you take the first step and then keep things going as well.
Big Benefits to Reconnect with Old Friends
Loneliness is significant—with 50% of people reporting that they are lonely. In addition, research from Washington State University found that large proportions of people suffer from FOMO (fear of missing out) and social anxiety—which are in turn correlated with low self-esteem and low self-compassion.
But when you form strong friendships, there are tons of benefits. In fact, friendships can be more important to your mental health and wellbeing than family, according to a study of 280,000 people by Michigan State University.
And stronger friendships are linked with greater mental health and self-esteem as well as reduced social anxiety and depression, according to research by the University of Virginia.
Reconnect with old friends in order to rekindle relationships and add to your sense of wellbeing and fulfillment—and contribute to theirs as well.