Note. This post includes statistics on suicide
We’re Not “OK”
Since the early 1990’s, researchers have established that one of the most critical factors contributing to the mental health of employees is the extent to which employees are able to recover from stress and fatigue at work. Yet, in a study conducted on over 12,000 employees, some degree of a need for recovery was found in nearly every participant with the highest needs being reported by those employees aged 46-55, followed by those aged 36-45.
Unsurprisingly, the authors found that without sufficient recovery periods to return to a normal level of functioning, employees are more likely to experience fatigue and psychological distress. A quick look to mental health statistics tells a similar, but more dire, story. The World Health Organization (WHO) states that depression is the leading cause of disability and those with depression – which is more prevalent in women than their male counterparts.
The National Institute of Mental Health reported that 23.1% of U.S. adults are experiencing some form of mental illness, and again, this is observed more in women than men. Additionally, those reporting two or more racial identities had the highest prevalence of mental illness, and contrary to the relationship between the need to recover and age, mental illness is more prevalent in young adults aged 18-25. After accidents, suicide is the leading cause of death among Canadian youth and young adults (15-24).
Just because we can do hard things, doesn’t mean they need to be endured at length. Yet, many people do not take time to recover after a stressful event or when they are struggling. According to Statistics Canada, some of the most common reasons offered for preventing help seeking include being too busy, not knowing where to go, prohibitive costs, and preferring to manage one’s needs on their own.
Being “manly” has also been identified as a barrier to help-seeking. In a meta-ethnography of over 50 qualitative studies on how men view psychological help-seeking, a study from the International Journal of Men’s Health found that the most common barrier expressed by men was social stigma – or a concern over the perceived negative judgments by friends and family.
Similarly, I was part of a panel with Gent’s Talk and Movember that explored how traditional gender norms can exacerbate men’s mental health – a topical point as suicide completion rates amongst men continue to rise.
Is It OK To Not Be OK?
Despite attempts to increase positive messaging around mental health, the stigma is alive and well. While a strong body of evidence has demonstrated linkages between the pressure to only display positive emotions or the suppression of negative emotions and poorer health outcomes, the tendency to hide one’s suffering or judge oneself for feeling a certain way is a common, socially normative, experience. Even Bruce Springsteen tells us that “only the strong survive”.
Being OK With Not Being OK
The “nadir” refers to the lowest point in the fortunes of a person or organization. Language is comforting in that it gives us terms to recognize life’s common experiences. The next time one clashes with their proverbial “rock bottom”, rather than slapping a smile on top of a stiff upper lip, or leaning on maladaptive coping mechanisms (e.g., shopping, substance abuse, disassociating, isolation etc.), perhaps they might simply refrain from judging themselves.
The Five Facet Mindfulness Questionnaire, for example, asks individuals to rate how frequently they “tell myself I shouldn’t be feeling the way I’m feeling” and “I believe some of my thoughts are abnormal or bad and I shouldn’t think that way” (spoiler alert: less judgment of one’s psychological experience is considered more mindful). Given meta-analytic evidence supports that mindfulness training helps individuals cope with mental health challenges, perhaps a critical first step to embracing “being not ok” involves noticing how often we are “shoulding” on ourselves.
The U-Turn
One practice that may help make space for the “not ok” moments is Tara Brach’s U-Turn Practice. The U-Turn takes an intra-psychic approach to suffering by asking people to pause, examine their inner experience with curiosity and compassion, and then turn their attention back to the outside world. Notably, if you are in crisis, this is not a technique that will provide sufficient support – please see professional help.
The U-Turn
Step 1. Witness, without a shred of judgment, your thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations. What are you thinking? What emotions can you identify? Can you notice what sensations you feel in your body and allow yourself to feel them, even if it hurts?
Step 2. Validate your experience without making it better, less severe, or trying to fix it. This may sound like “I can see that I’m having a really hard time today”. It is not “you’ve got this” because the objective of this step is to take time to acknowledge that you’re not ok and you’re struggling.
Step 3. Turn your attention back to the outside world when you’re ready. And if you’re not ready, you may have a high need for recovery that deserves some tending to.
For many high-functioning professionals, “you got this” is a motivating reminder that they can persist during times of difficulty. But identifying as strong, positive, and resilient may leave you avoiding, rejecting, or hiding the reality of your experience in challenging situations. Just as experts encourage individuals to grieve in their own way, in the end, learning to observe how you experience emotions as they arise and pass away may be a highly effective strategy to navigate adversity and heartache.