What is Bird Nesting in Child Custody?
“Bird nesting (or nesting, as it is more commonly referred to) in a divorce or separation is where parents take turns staying in the family home. Rather than making the kids traipse back and forth between two homes, the kids stay put and the parents trade off being the “on-duty parent.” According to Susan Pease Gadoua, L.C.S.W. from an article in Psychology Today.
Kids experience a greater degree of consistency when they stay in one home, not having to remember their schoolbooks, computer, iPad, rain gear when going from one home to another. But what about the parents? Where do they go when not “nesting?”
The parents need to have a separate home to go to when they are not the “on duty” parent staying with the kids at the former marital home which in many families is a huge financial strain (three homes need to be supported rather than two homes). If the parents have a family home (both sets of grandparents live nearby) this can solve the financial strain as each can stay with their parent(s).
In some instances of “nesting,” parents choose to share one apartment so the cost is the same as if both parents had their own home. It means navigating two homes with someone from whom you are separating and divorcing and things as silly as leaving an empty milk container, a cap off the toothpaste, an unmade bed, dirty laundry in the washing machine can become the source of animosity and anger making sharing an apartment with an ex difficult.
“Nesting” can also feel like you are still in the marriage or relationship you are trying to end. Bringing a new relationship into a home you are sharing with your ex is problematic at best. What happens when you decide to remarry or live with a new partner? Must you spend half a week or a full week away from your new partner in order to spend time with your children? Does “nesting” end then?
What are the prerequisites for successful “nesting”?
“Nesting” requires tremendous effort and careful planning to be successful. There needs to be an agreement that you and your co-parent are going to share custody equally, 50/50. You need to work out a clear parenting plan (who has which days of the week, or do you alternate weeks, from when to when does each parent’s “on duty” time begin and end, who is responsible for school picks up) and you both have to agree on things like bedtimes, screen times, meal times, discipline, etc. It can’t be all homework with Dad and party time with Mom. Dealing with repairs to the “nesting” home can be problematic if it isn’t thought through in advance. Who pays to fix the toilet or the garage door or the leaky faucet?
Integral to any “nesting” arrangement is the relationship between the parents.
What factors weigh against “nesting”?
“Nesting” can’t work if the relationship between the parents is toxic or there is a reason why 50/50 custody can’t work such as drug/alcohol abuse of one parent, untreated mental illness of one parent; allegations of child abuse or neglect against one parent.
Other factors that can doom a “nesting “arrangement are cleanliness, a parent who purposefully sabotages the other by leaving dirty dishes, using up the spices without replacing them and other everyday annoyances that can “blow up” in a shared custody arrangement.
How long in duration should “nesting” last?
Most attorneys and experts think “nesting is a short-term fix for a separating or divorcing couple. It can solve the problem of continuing to live together in one home while you are divorcing or separating without interfering with your kids’ lives too dramatically. Temporary “nesting” can create distance between you and your spouse and keep your kids’ lives calm while you negotiate the terms of a divorce or separation.
“Nesting” and child support
Nesting is essentially a 50/50 custody arrangement. Depending on each individual’s state’s laws as to child support and shared parenting, child support can be paid. If living in New York, child support can be paid by the more monied spouse to the less monied spouse. Family law attorneys in your jurisdiction can advise as to child support in your individual area or state. There are numerous cases across the country involving nesting and nesting and child support.
Where does the term “nesting” come from?
It comes from the birds of course. Birds build their nests to lay their eggs and protect them from predators. Once the eggs have hatched both parents leave the nest to fetch food for their young birds before they can fly away and leave the nest.
“Nesting” in Practice
One client of my office jumped into a nesting arrangement with her husband by leasing a second apartment nearby the marital home, which the husband quickly regretted. They are now considering breaking the lease, having the wife live in the former marital home full time and the husband rent a larger apartment to accommodate the children and him on his parenting nights. It can be a quick fix to two people who are divorcing or separating and trying to work through their issues without continuing to live together. In my experience, the couple decided themselves to “nest” without the help of attorneys and early on, and one of them wants out of the nesting arrangement.