During the holidays, social media floods us with togetherness, celebration and ‘fresh start’ messaging. But how is it possible for the millions to be joyful when they’re grieving layoffs, health battles, broken relationships or empty chairs at the table? Rebecca Feinglos, founder of Grieve Leave, is challenging the “new year, new you” pressure with something different: permission to grieve your way into 2025. And so is former CNN anchor Alisyn Camerota, After her husband of 23 years died unexpectdly and she departed her job at CNN this year, the broadcast journalist shared with me what not to say to a grieving coworker.
What Not To Say To A Grieving Coworker
Camerota wrote an article for CNN on five things not to say to a a grieving friend that also apply to what not to say to a grieving coworker. I sat down with her, and we talked about the grief of her husband’s passing. She told me that when colleagues, friends and loved ones struggle for the right words of comfort, she was surprised by how even the kindest questions set her off.
The news journalist acknowledges that, in the throes of grief, there’s no one right answer and what is helpful for her may not work for someone else. Here are the do’s she found helpful and the five unexpected don’ts she discovered.
- How Are You?’ Camerota says it’s a near-impossible question to answer. “Our feelings of grief change by the hour, sometimes by the minute, so there’s no answer that will stand the test of time,” she states. “Do you mean how am I this very second? I can answer that, but my answer might change a second later. Do you mean how are we coping in life? The answer is, we don’t know yet.”
- ‘How Can I Help?’ The broadcast journalist admits she’s had to dig deep to figure out why this generous question from well-meaning colleagues and friends doesn’t sit right. “I think it’s because it puts the onus on the griever to help the helper,” she notes. “The helper wants to figure something out—but those of us who are grieving are in no position to help. We often can’t articulate, and might not even know, what we want or need.”
- ‘I Can’t Imagine What You Must Be Going Through.’ One of Camerota’s teenage daughters explained to her why this phrase really rubs her the wrong way: It reveals a curious lack of creativity. Camerota points out that the statement has the unintended effect of isolating she and her family on a grief island, as though loss was somehow singularly theirs. “So instead of putting our feelings in an unimaginable silo, try relating to us,” she suggests. “Say something like, ‘I remember when I lost my X and I felt X’. Or maybe share a specific memory like, ‘I really enjoyed watching your dad coach you in soccer. I’m going to miss that.’ A statement like that lets us know we’re not alone.”
- ‘This Is So Unfair.’ Camerota insists she was surprised when friends, particularly friends her age, said this. “I’m in the news business, so I think my notion of life ‘being fair’ vanished somewhere in the middle of covering yet another senseless school shooting.” Instead of thinking of life as neatly organized into fair and unfair categories, she’s started to practice radical acceptance. “Some things in life are glorious, and some things suck,” she declares. “Try to accept life on its own terms and deal with the hand you’re dealt. Radical acceptance has been a game-changer for me and how I tackle the tough stuff. Instead of asking, ‘Why me?’or ‘How can life be so unfair?’ I say, ‘This is what I’m dealing with. What’s the best way forward?’”
- ‘I Want To Come Give You A Hug.’ Before she was thrust into grief, Camerota remarked that she would not have understood how a loving gesture could ever feel uncomfortable. Now, she says she does. “Being wrapped in grief does not allow me to function the way I need to,” she offers. “Friends who arrived at my door teary-eyed forced the unintended response of me having to grieve with them on their timetable, rather than my own. Sometimes it felt as though I had to comfort them and help them cope with the loss, which was counterproductive for my mental state. If you do feel compelled to show up at the doorstep of someone who has just suffered a loss, try to bring laughter and lightness with you to help alleviate the grief load on them.”
What To Say Instead Of What Not To Say To A Grieving Coworker
Camerota recalls that what worked beautifully for her family was receiving a lovingly composed letter, email or text, expressing someone’s emotions. “I could read the message on my own schedule, at a time I had chosen for reflection,” she recounts. “One dear friend sent a lacquered box where I can store condolence cards and keep coming back to when I want to remember the deep impact my husband had on our community.”
The news journalist advises that it’s okay to say you don’t know what to say, and it’s also okay to wait a beat before saying it. She mentioned that she got a text from an old friend—whom she hadn’t heard from in the months since her husband’s death—who said she hadn’t found the right words to text her. “I knew exactly what she meant, and somehow those words felt just right,” Camerota concludes.
A Final Wrap And A Period Of Forced Reinvention
The news journalist describes this period of her life as one in which she’s forced to reinvent herself. She sees herself as a woman dealing with deep grief and a single parent with three teenagers, forced to figure out the next chapter after thirty-plus years of network and cable journalism.
She expressed to me that she didn’t ask for this forced reinvention. “I love having stability in my life, but the anchors that I’ve used to stabilize myself are gone. I have to re-invent myself, and right now, I don’t know where it will lead.”
She might face an uncertain future, but the resilient Alisyn Camerota I’ve come to know and admire has always practiced radical self-care. So, if her past is any indication of her future, I have no question that she will make a stellar reinvention.
Her memoir, Combat Love: A Story of Leaving, Longing and Searching for Home, published this year, has been optioned for film and TV from Tiwary Entertainment Group. Other than that, her 2025 horizon is uncertain. She says she’s still pulling together her next act. For now, though, it will involve Substack, and here’s where you can find her: @AlisynCamerota.Substack.
If this is a season of grief for you, if you’re looking for ways to practice radical self-care or if you’re struggling with what not to say to a grieving coworker, the Crisis Text Line can connect you with a crisis counselor for free and confidential 24/7 support.