Whether you’re a leader or an individual contributor, chances are, you’re experiencing more conflict at work—at the same time you’re seeing less civility. This kind of experience can get in the way of your happiness, but also your productivity and peace of mind.
It’s logical that things would be more difficult at work. People are increasingly polarized, and disagreements are more frequent and more intense, both online and in person. At the same time, leaders are reporting they don’t have the skills or the wherewithal to work through conflict or create the conditions for positive disagreement.
But a better experience is possible, despite the discontent and discomfort.
Today’s Troubles With Conflict And Civility
It’s a double whammy today—with more conflict and less civility.
In particular, leaders are struggling. Only 12% of leaders have proficiency in managing conflict. In addition,
- 65% of leaders struggle to offer support and resources during conflict.
- 61% of leaders have trouble getting to the core issues in conflict.
- 60% of leaders have difficulty getting team members involved in finding solutions.
- 21% of leaders struggle to see the root cause from multiple perspectives.
These challenges lead to reduced productivity, decreased morale and high turnover. All of this is according to a DDI survey of 70,000 management candidates.
As for civility, 59% people believe that civility has declined, according to the SHRM Q1 Civility Indec of 2024.
How To Lead For Better Conflict And More Civility
It’s important to start with an understanding that conflict is normal and natural, and disagreements are part of both life and work. The key is to ensure that conflict is managed appropriately—and to create a culture of civility where healthy conflict is productive and moves the organization forward without harming people or progress.
While it may seem obvious, easy or automatic, treating each other with civility can be tougher when we’re moving fast, stressed out or under pressure. So, it’s useful to be conscious and intentional about the behaviors that work best.
1. Acknowledge And Respect Each Other
Within a civil culture, people must acknowledge and respect each other—no matter what. Even when issues are intense and even with there is discord or difficulty, it’s critical to recognize people’s opportunity to have different opinions, perspectives and preferences.
You can demonstrate this by letting people speak, listening and seeking to understand. You’re also wise to start with the assumptions that you don’t have all the answers and that others have a point of view which can help you better grasp additional perspectives related to an issue—even if you don’t agree with them.
Leaders can encourage a culture of civility in which conflict is well-managed by empowering people to express their opinions, identifying shared goals, embracing common ground and processing issues fully. And of course, leaders must treat people equitably.
2. Demonstrate Courtesy And Appreciation
Civil culture is also evident in the routine details of how people interact. For example, saying hello to everyone when you walk into a room, saying please and thank you, and being prompt for meetings to respect others’ time.
Civility is evident when you keep promises and follow through on commitments. It’s also apparent when you’re responsive and accessible, responding to messages or calls.
Another important aspect of this kind of positive culture is when team members value each other—letting someone know you appreciated the point they made in a meeting or thanking them for the work they did which helped you achieve your objective. These go a long way toward fostering a positive experience for everyone.
3. Seek Feedback And Give Feedback
A civil experience is also based on plenty of information flow. Keeping people in the loop and sharing information are key.
In addition, you build a positive experience when you recognize the difference between intention and impact. Sometimes what you meant isn’t how others received your message, so you’re wise to regularly ask for feedback about your behavior and how your communication is landing.
You can also offer feedback. By doing so, you demonstrate that you care about others reaching their goals and are willing to help them improve by providing input about how their interactions are received.
4. Demonstrate Empathy And Sensitivity
To increase civility and reduce conflict, it’s also important is to be empathetic toward others. Tune into coworkers and pay attention to how they’re doing. Imagine how they are thinking (cognitive empathy) and how they are feeling (emotional empathy) and offer support and compassion.
Ask questions, rather than making assumptions and take cues from them about how much they want to share.
5. Manage Conflict
And of course you’ll want to manage conflict wisely when you’re in the midst of it.
In addition to identifying core issues, expanding perspectives, empowering people to find their own solutions and offering support and resources identified in the DDI survey, leaders will also want to use the right conflict management approach for the circumstances.
Leaders can balance how they meet the needs of others and themselves (or the company), based on the Thomas-Kilman conflict model. The best approach will be based on the circumstances.
Consider five alternatives: There will be times when the decision must be firm. There will also be times when you can accommodate others’ needs, or when avoidance will be the best course of action. In some circumstances it will be possible to compromise—and partially meet the needs of all parties—or to collaborate to fully meet everyone’s needs through creative solutions.
In any of these, focusing on the issues, not personalities is key—and ensuring that people feel respected and valued no mater what the outcome.
You’ll also want to hold people accountable for behaving with civility and ensure a zero-tolerance policy when people act outside of your organization’s values.
Empowering Civility And Conflict
Ironically, a greater amount of conflict—when it is appropriate, productive and constructive—can be a signal of a healthy culture that nurtures wellbeing. People feel they can disagree, bring their points of view and talk through challenges to learn, improve and come to better outcomes.
And conflict is most constructive when it’s embedded in a culture of civility, respect and positive interactions. Leaders can create these conditions—so people can bring their best and so teams and organizations can achieve great outcomes.