In the process of making friends and maintaining friendships, chances are, you’ve had to deal with some bad friends or bad behavior—at work or in your personal life. So how can you handle a friend who doesn’t give you what you need or who brings out the worst in you or themselves? You’ll want to know the ways to identify poor characteristics—so you can handle the relationship in the most constructive way.
First, know that you’re doing the right thing when you make friends and ensure your relationships are the best they can be. The majority of people report they are lonely, but having even just a few good friends can turn things around. The teammate with whom you share a bond helps motivate you at work. The person in your professional women’s friend group gives you important feedback. And your old friend grounds you and reminds you of how far you’ve come.
Friendship is fundamental to your physical and mental health. But just any friend won’t nurture your wellbeing. You need the right kinds of friends to support you—and to whom you can provide support as well.
Give Bad Friends the Benefit of the Doubt
Great relationships are hard work, and they require intentional investment on an ongoing basis—so expect to have some ups and downs. If you’re struggling with a relationship, you’ll want to find a balance of giving your friend the benefit of the doubt, while also realistically assessing their behavior, protecting yourself and honoring your own boundaries.
Give your friend grace and remind yourself that neither of you is perfect. You’ll disappoint them sometimes and they’ll fail you sometimes. In addition, ask yourself whether the behaviors you’re seeing are a pattern, happening over and over—or whether something was a one-time anomaly. Forgive and forget—or hold them accountable accordingly.
Types of Bad Friends
As you’re considering behavior that may not be constructive for your relationship, here are the patterns to assess.
1. The Hostile Friend
In some cases, a friend may act badly toward you in an aggressive or hostile way. This may take the form of talking behind your back or acting two-faced. Another aspect of this kind of behavior is the friend who keeps score—always with a mental accounting of what you’ve each given or what you owe. They may compete with you, act with jealously, sabotage you, betray your trust, take credit for your ideas or put you down (even in a ‘joking’ way).
This relationship can be especially tough, because a friend is someone who has your best interests in mind—whom you can trust through thick and thin. When these aren’t true of a friend, it can wreak havoc with your health and wellbeing.
2. The Unavailable Friend
Another type of struggle in friendship is the friend who is unavailable or fails to reciprocate. They may be flaky and fail to show up or follow through—or they may be content to have you initiate all your connections and fail to reach out on their own.
Reciprocity is fundamental to the way we interact with each other and form relationships, according to analysis across 60 societies by the University of Oxford.
You do for others, and then expect them to do for you. This applies to the mundane (your text conversations), the logistical (who suggests the next coffee date) and deeper exchanges (confiding in each other about more significant issues).
When the circle of reciprocity is broken and the interaction is one-sided, it’s tough to maintain openness, trust and meaning in the interaction.
3. The Demanding Friend
Sometimes, friendships can go sideways when a friend is self-centered, selfish or especially demanding. They may be clingy or needy, expecting you to be everything to them—or they may disrespect your boundaries. The demanding friend may also be controlling, expecting that things having to be all about them, all the time. Sometimes this kind of friend is high-drama—maintaining a focus on themselves through melodrama, intensity or over-reactions.
It’s normal to have ebbs and flows in friendship—sometimes you’ll go through a rough patch and need tons of support and attention—and vice versa. But watch out for the situation where there is less space for you in the relationship—and it is constantly about them.
4. The Bad-Influence Friend
Another challenging situation is the friend who isn’t the influence you want. If someone gossips or treats others badly—or if they make choices that aren’t aligned with your values, they may be a friend you want to avoid. If they lie or lack integrity, you’ll want to steer clear.
Significant numbers of academic studies have found that friendships affect behavior at all ages—in in everything from drinking, drugs and eating to exercise, mood and even how many children you have. Social contagion is at play, according to research published in Nature Human Behavior, and someone’s influence on you is greater when you have a closer relationship. It’s true that the people you spend the most time with will have the greatest influence on the choices you make.
How To Handle a Bad Friend
So if you have a bad friend, what should you do? How can you improve the relationship or decide to avoid it?
There are a few strategies to employ.
- First, step back. Ensure that you’re not judging them too harshly and consider your role in the relationship. Are you frustrated about how they treat you, but realize that you treat them similarly? Or are you overreacting to a limited issue which isn’t truly a pattern of the relationship? Step back, take a breath, assume good intentions and give them the benefit of the doubt.
- Second, stick with the facts. It’s natural to ascribe motives and quickly jump to conclusions, but try to focus only on what they’ve said or done to upset you without projecting your own insecurities. When you ensure that you’re focusing on what has actually happened—and not drawing sweeping conclusions, it can help you de-escalate your own reactions.
- Third, talk it through. If you’ve invested time in the relationship and you appreciate the person, you’ll want to take action to solve the issue and build (or rebuild) the relationship. Share what you’ve seen and how you’re feeling and ask questions to understand where they’re coming from. Seek to understand your role in the dynamics of the relationship—and embrace the obligation you have to them in addition to their obligations to you. Let them know how much you respect and value them. Make a request about how you’d like them to act differently. Give them a chance to be the kind of friend you need. Ironically, going through a difficult time together can deepen your friendship—because it sends a message about how much you both care and want to resolve issues.
- Fourth, say goodbye. If things are turning around, great. But on the other hand, if you’ve taken ownership for your own role, done your best, asked for change and given the person a chance—and haven’t seen changes, it may be time to cut ties. Don’t be afraid to say goodbye if a friendship isn’t serving you. You can choose to detach subtly, by saying no when they want to get together—or you can be more direct, letting them know that you’re moving on. You can determine the best approach based on the history of the relationship. Of course, in a relationship at work, you may not be able to depart the friendship entirely, but you can pull back by sharing less, initiating infrequently (if at all) or reducing your time together.
Making it Work with Bad Friends
Interestingly, your network of friends will regularly evolve. Research by the Netherlands Organization for Scientific Research found that after seven years, only 48% of people’s friends were the same. So, it’s natural that your friendships will shift over time. This can happen for many reasons, from changing jobs or moving house to a change in your life circumstances—for example, you have children and your friends don’t. And of course, friendships can change because of bad behavior as well.
It’s possible to find friends that make you happy and enhance your wellbeing. Give yourself permission to reflect and on your friendships and take ownership for how the relationship might be improved. And then, don’t be afraid to move on and move away from bad friends. Embrace your opportunity to surround yourself with people you can support and appreciate and who bring out the best in you as well.