October 1st, marked the start of National Bullying Prevention Month. However, bullying doesn’t just take place in school. In fact, nearly 50 million Americans have been bullied at work, according to the Workplace Bullying Institute. In fact, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) reports that nearly two million U.S. workers are victims of workplace violence each year. The cost exceeds $20 billion annually due to lawsuits, turnover and loss of productivity.
How To Know If You’re A Workplace Bully
Workplace bullying expert, Jocelyn Tan, founder and CEO of Sisu VR, provides guidance on how to recognize if you might be unintentionally bullying or harassing colleagues along with tips on how to take accountability and reconcile with hurt colleagues. Tan, a former victim of workplace bullying herself, faced harassment and discrimination as a software engineer. She told me that most bullies don’t realize the damage they’re causing. To raise awareness, she shared with me four key signs that indicate you could be a workplace bully and not even know it.
- “Your colleagues have become experts at sidestepping conversations with you. This can manifest in a few different ways. Maybe you find yourself always riding alone in the elevator, or your coworkers avoid chatting in the break room—quickly wrapping up conversations to get back to work. Additionally, you may find that colleagues are often tasked with relaying information to you on behalf of others. Ask yourself about why they may not be comfortable speaking with you directly. In fact, you may notice that there is consistent turnover on your team, with colleagues requesting to move to a different part of the company or to move to a different project—perhaps to avoid working directly with you.”
- “Your manager may have repeatedly asked you to tone-down or adjust your communication style. Maybe you’re getting feedback that your jokes are not received well.”
- “You often find yourself on the defense when you receive feedback, attributing concerns from colleagues as issues they need to work on. Perhaps you think people need to ‘toughen up’ or learn how to take jokes. You may find yourself seeking to justify your actions.”
- “Still unsure? Put yourself in the shoes of a victim of workplace bullying. One way to do this is with training solutions that can immerse you in the experience of workplace bullying situations through role playing. Do you identify any similarities between your behavior and the behavior playing out in the scenarios?”
Next Step: Apology Formula Accountability
Tan explains that it can be difficult to come to terms with the reality that you’ve been a perpetrator of workplace bullying, while pointing out that identifying mistakes you’ve made is a huge step in the right direction. “After all, if you’re unaware of it, you can’t correct it,” she notes. “The next, and perhaps most critical step, is taking accountability for your behavior and adjusting your workplace communication to avoid any instances of bullying.”
She advises that you take time to earnestly apologize to any colleagues who you’ve mistreated, keeping in mind that not all apologies are created equal. She offers a reliable apology formula that anyone can use:
- Objectively describe the behavior or the incident—for example, “During the meeting, I made a joke about your appearance.”
- Express sincere regret and remorse—for example, “I now see that my words hurt your feelings and made you feel uncomfortable; I am truly sorry.”
- Make a promise about your future conduct—for example, “I’ve reflected on this, and I realize that commenting on someone’s appearance for the sake of a joke is inappropriate. I will not be making any more jokes like this in the future.”
- Avoid getting defensive or minimizing your role in the issue—for example, “It was just a joke, and I didn’t think it would hurt your feelings. I didn’t mean to.” Statements like this can dilute the efficacy of your apology and minimize the validity of your coworker’s feelings.
Next Step: Commitment To Behavior Changes
Once you’ve apologized, and made a commitment to improving your behavior, Tan pinpoints five actions to continue the turnaround momentum.
- “Check in with your coworkers regularly to seek feedback on your behavior and communication. Avoid getting defensive during these conversations so that colleagues feel comfortable sharing how they feel.”
- “Consider taking some aptitude or personality tests to get insights into your strengths, areas for growth, and communication style. Tests like the Clifton Strengths Assessment or Myers-Briggs evaluations are great resources.”
- “Immersive bullying training can also help you play out different scenarios so that you can practice strategies to repair relationships with your colleagues. Additionally, you can take the perspective of different people, enabling you to put yourself in the shoes of colleagues who may be unlike you. This will help you to empathize and understand the perspectives of others.””
- “Ultimately, remember the Golden Rule: treat others the way you want to be treated.”
- “Consider how your actions align with your company’s mission and values.”
Steps To Take If You Have Been Bullied
Tan stresses that employees who have been bullied should take proactive steps to address their discomfort. It’s ideal if you work in a speak-up culture, where employees can report misconduct without fear of retaliation. Or if you have a comfortable relationship with your manager, you can provide the context of the bullying and reach out to human resources. “It is important for workers to document each experience with as much detail as possible, noting the date, time and location of the mistreatment. This can help to identify recurring inappropriate behavior from a colleague,” she notes.
Tan underscores the importance of paying close attention to the type of conduct if you’re subjected to workplace harassment or discrimination. She advises that you ask yourself, “Is this bullying or another example of toxic workplace behavior?” And reminds us that discrimination and harassment hinge upon a particular facet of identity, like race or gender.
If you feel comfortable confronting the behavior, Tan recommends that you try to reverse the above apology formula as a method to explain your feelings.
- “Explain to the bully exactly what has happened and how it made you feel.”
- “Use ‘I’ statements to assertively address your feelings and concerns based on their behaviors.”
- “Lastly, state how they can do better in the future. Through workplace bullying and harassment prevention platforms, employees can practice similar responses, walking through bullying and different forms of harassment, and replying in real-time.”
According to Tan, some employees struggle to recognize that they’re victims of bullying, especially when work is fast-paced and personal feelings or moments of discomfort are quickly swept to the side while other tasks become the priority. She concludes that you slow down and be present with yourself, adding that these self check-ins can help you identify instances of bullying before they snowball into a larger pattern of workplace misconduct.