“What questions to ask in an interview?” is one of the most frequently asked questions about questions. And there is no shortage of answers. In article after article, experts share their recommendations for what to ask as both interviewer and applicant.
But do these recommendations really help you ask better questions? Or is the key to asking great questions in interviews as well as the conversations you have with your colleagues, family and friends, to stop focusing on what and how to ask and start focusing on the relationship you want to build with other people?
For more than two decades, I have studied the questions people ask (and don’t ask) in businesses and societies, across language cultures and professions. And what I have found is that our questions work as much against us a they work for us.
To get the most out of your questions, you must:
1. Think Of Questions As An Invitation To Dance
We tend to think of questions and answers as a transfer of information from one person to another. But we should think of it as a dance — with two people taking turns moving back and forth. Because if one person just keeps moving forward, the other person ends up with their back against the wall.
The same applies to asking and answering questions:
If you ask all the questions, you make it hard for your conversation partner to share what’s on their mind. They can react to what you think is important, but they cannot proactively share their own concerns. And vice versa: If you always respond, you have a responsibility to flip the script. By starting to ask questions, you can take your conversations and collaboration to new heights.
Like dancing, good conversations are a constant shifting of positions, seeing the same things from different perspectives and directing different perspectives at the same things. So to avoid your questions working against you,
Don’t: Use questions to transfer information.
Instead: Think of questioning and answering as a dance.
2. Rephrase Your Questions To Why, Who, And When
“How do I ask better questions?” is the most common question people ask me when they hear that I’ve spent 25 years researching the nature and impact of questions. But asking too many ‘how’ questions – or rather too few of other kinds of questions – may very well be the reason you have difficulty asking good questions.
Of the more than 30,000 questions I have collected and analyzed over the years, almost 80% of them are how and what questions. This leaves a measly 20% for why, who, when and where. Why is that important? Because why, who, when, and where questions make your how and what questions better!
Let’s look at the benefits of rephrasing “How do I ask better questions?” into a series of why, who, when, and where questions:
- Asking “Why do I want to ask better questions?” forces you to reflect on your reasons and intentions for wanting to improve
- Asking “Who will benefit if I ask better questions?” and ”Who will suffer if I don’t?” reminds you that everything you do has an impact on other people
- Asking “When is it important that I ask better questions?” and “When is it not important?” helps you focus your efforts where they matter the most, and
- Asking “Where is a good place to start asking better questions?” anchors your desire to ask better questions in your everyday life
Asking “How can I ask better questions?” is only the first step to improving your questioning skills. The next is to remind yourself not to get stuck in your – and everyone else’s – what-how bias. So to avoid your questions working against you,
Don’t: Make ‘how’ and ‘what’ questions the only kind of questions you ask.
Instead: Practice rephrasing your questions to why, who, when, and where.
3. Engage Without Asking Questions
Another popular (how) question is: “How do I use questions to get people to open up?” But what if the best way to get people to talk is to refrain from asking questions?
A priest once told me that he never asked questions when visiting people who had lost a loved one. Instead, he commented on the flowers in the garden, the pictures on the wall, and whatever else caught his eye while he waited for the person to start sharing what made sense for them to talk about at the moment.
When you think about it, it makes a lot of sense. In these situations, the priest’s job is to help people in grief, but most often he knows very little about the life the grieving people have lived and how the loss affects them. In order to ask, he has to make some assumptions about what would be helpful for people to talk about, but since the possibilities are endless, his chance of hitting the mark is minimal.
By waiting to ask until he has made room and read how the bereaved relate to their situation and surroundings, the priest’s chance of asking questions that get them to open up is significantly improved.
And the same applies to the rest of us. We may think we know what would be helpful for others to talk about, but we rarely do. So to avoid your questions working against you,
Don’t: Ask a lot of questions to get people to open up.
Instead: Observe and comment on your shared surroundings while reading the other person’s cues about where it would be helpful to focus your questions. And then ask.
These are excerpts from 3 out of 12 tips in my new LinkedIn Learning course, “Tips To Ask Questions That Enhance Communication”. You can get all 12 tips here: